Advice from a half-broken, but not giving up, late-blooming lesbian

finally-felix_oct-flowerMy 22-year old daughter looks at me with a mixture of guilt and “but I’m grown and I can do what I want” on her face when I ask her if she was smoking weed on the porch.

I don’t have a problem with her smoking, per se. I do it myself on occasion. I just don’t want her doing it in or near the house. I have a younger child to think about, after all.  I’ve told her this.

And yet, the familiar smell hits me as soon as I walk up the stairs and get close to the front door. It’s mixed with hints of Hawaiian Breeze air freshener, which makes me giggle. If you have to smoke and then spray inadequate air freshener to cover it up, your ass has no business smoking.

“At this point, it’s like asking a kid with crumbs all over their face if they ate a cookie,” I tell her. “Let’s be real here, I know you smoke. I do it myself on occasion …  but not here … not in the house. And that’s all I ask of you.”

I’ve been busy these last few months. I’ve been planning a big event that takes place in a few weeks and, clearly from my recent posts, I’ve been dedicating a lot of time to that.

I think my last truly introspective post here on Finally Felix was where I declared that I was READY.. about to sign them papers, about to move out, tell the kids that their mama is gay as hell. Ready to scream it from the rooftops!

This life doesn’t always work that way, and yes, I am still here.  Further than I was, but still in the house. And it just hit me that I told my oldest child to be real. My children have never seen their real mother. Never fully open. Never completely authentic and free. Certainly never happy… not truly.

And this week, the woman I love decided to seek her own happiness. Happiness the lies beyond the half-available arms of a still-married, still hiding, still fearful woman. I applaud her for standing up for herself, for valuing her emotional well-being beyond the needs of others … even if “others” is me.

I put snippets of my life here in this quiet, slow-moving blog so they don’t rot and swell from within and kill me, but also to let you know (YOU who may be here finding comfort or camaraderie for your own situation) that holding this façade together is not worth it.  And it will not … CANNOT last. Parts of it.. and parts of you.. will wither, die and crumble. Your arms will grow weary. Your legs will tremble. And you will be left standing, smiling like a fool, arms in the air, holding aloft splinters of wood, while the rest of your perfect little house has blown away.

Rest if you must. Take time to breath and gather strength and  confidence. But don’t stop moving forward

Don’t ever stop.

Posted in accepting sexuality, confidence, family, fear, growth | Tagged | 2 Comments

A powerful night to remember

sweet-peach-ad_finalI’ve been working on this special event since the beginning of the year, and I can’t believe it’s only a few weeks away.

Doing the work of planning such a special night has been very cathartic for me. It’s more proof of what happens when we allow our stories to be a beacon of healing and understanding for others. That is what I try to do here at Finally Felix, and it’s what is being done everyday through the work of Rising Phoenix Abuse Recovery Coaching.

If you’ll be in or near Atlanta on October 15th, please join us for The 2016 Sweet Peach Soirée. It promises to be an unforgettable night of healing and inspiration for women who understand the power in sharing our stories.

Looking forward to seeing you there.

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It’s going down on October 15th. Save the Date!

Sweet Peach STD_AUG-CanvaTwo years ago, well into my own journey of self discovery,  I met a dynamic young woman named Benir Pierre. As a survivor of childhood sexual and physical abuse, Benir spent more than a decade battling the effects of that abuse, which included depression, self-injury, promiscuity, and multiple suicide attempts. The healing process was arduous and lonely. She hid her pain behind a façade of good grades, impressive community work, and a love of God … while inside she was slowly dying.

In her early twenties, Benir realized that she didn’t have to hold on to what happened to her, and began to put in the real work to find lasting healing. Last year, she launched Rising Phoenix Abuse Recovery Coaching to empower other women to do the same.

Inspired by Benir’s strength and resilience, I have joined her efforts to raise awareness about trauma-recovery coaching for women in our community. October 15, 2016, we will hold the Sweet Peach Soirée: An Empowering Celebration of Women’s Sexual Wellness, in Atlanta, Ga. The purpose of this inaugural event is to foster dialogue that promotes healing from the trauma of sexual abuse; assault; and intimate partner violence; and addresses the disproportionate impact of HIV in the black community.

The Soirée will feature a panel of well-respected sexual trauma and relationship specialists who will help us explore the issues. There will also be poetry and live painting from local Atlanta artists, cocktails and hors d’oeuvres, special giveaways, and a few other surprises. More than 100 women in our community will take part in this empowering night of healing, sisterhood, and self-expression. It’s absolutely not to be missed!

So now you’re probably wondering what you can do to be a part of this pure awesomeness. Well, you have a few options:

  • You can help offset costs of the event on our Go Fund Me page
  • You like us on Facebook and spread the word about Rising Phoenix
  • You can visit the Rising Phoenix web site and sign up for our mailing list, so you don’t miss anything good – like when tickets for the Sweet Peach Soirée go on sale.

And if you’ll be in Atlanta on October 15th, please plan on joining us for this amazing celebration. Hope to see you there.

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Take off

Easter Lily Close-UpI have spread my gay-ass wings as far as I can in secret.

I’ve lived one life in the open and another behind a dark curtain for years. That does not come without consequences.

In the next few weeks, I will talk to my children; make a plan to move out of my family home; and work as hard as I can to maintain some semblance of normalcy for my kids. They are caught in this now because I didn’t have the courage to stand up for myself sooner; I won’t wallow in that though. The days of guilting myself into inaction are over.

In my heart, I know they will understand one day.  And I hope they will be proud. For now, I just want them to not hate me.

In the end, it’s all just the blink of an eye anyway.

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Standing in real truth

FB_IMG_1465998514914…this is a simple, clean way of looking at it. I’m definitely more me now than I ever was when I was struggling to fit into a space that wasn’t mine.

And now, finally able to reach out from the darkness of my tunnel and feel sunlight on my fingertips, I’m savoring every inch of these last few steps. Soon my forearms will taste the warmth. Shoulders and neck. Face peeking out, eyes blinking from the brightness. Warmth seeping into my chest and caressing my legs. Finally arms outspread. Breathing air into free and happy lungs.

I’m SO ready for this.

I started this journey five years ago. Five years ago, almost to the day, I told my husband I was questioning my sexuality. The next year, I kissed a woman for the first time. She helped me realize that my yearnings were not simply a phase or a fantasy, but a deep and meaningful part of who I was.

I don’t love women because I’m sexually adventurous or searching for something I can’t find in a man (all reasons I’ve heard before for explaining my gay ass, btw). I love women because there is something in the spirit of a woman that connects with me in a profound and meaningful way that transcends friendship or camaraderie. That depth of emotion is not something I’ve ever been able to feel with a man; and for a long time I didn’t believe that it actually existed. It extends through my body, mind and soul and sparks passionate fire into everything I do. I truly feel present and alive and at peace for the first time in my life.

It’s LOVE, simple and clean. I can’t explain it any better than, that.

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2016 Sweet Peach Soiree

Stay tuned. Juicy, juicy details to come….



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Finally Felix  Blooms 8Sometimes her magic comes to me in slips of stark vision. When I can see her face so vividly before me. Or taste the nectar of her lips on mine, even though she is far away.

At first I am alone. Then her essence materializes into my space like a precious mirage. And suddenly, I can smell her perfume, feel the softness of her skin against my fingertips, and when I inhale, it’s her air that fills my lungs.

She is so much me, that I clutch my chest and feel the beat that is both of our hearts working as one.

When I am low and near my breaking point, her magic slips beneath me, without question or judgement. It raises me to my feet. And cleanses me with words of support, enriched with honest belief in my strength. Belief that I may not even have for myself. She takes my face in her hands and lets me know that I am a lioness. Even when I’m feeling like a mouse. And somehow I begin to understand that yeah…I am a lioness.

I AM a lioness, dammit!

Yes, I have my own strength, my own deep reserves of faith and confidence. But having someone who amplifies that in me is nothing short of sacred magic.

Feeling blessed and beloved.

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the hump

Finally Felix Blossom 6I’m a 70s/ 80’s kid from a pretty large extended family. Growing up I had cousins as far as the eye could see. And somehow our parents had planned their child bearing perfectly, so I had about 7 cousins who all fell in my age range. On family outings, a group of us would cram into the back of someone’s car for a trip to wherever. Not a seat belt, car seat or other auto-safety gadget in sight. And the simple act of getting all of us settled in the car was pandemonium…

There were kids siting on other kids’ laps. Kids jockeying for window seats. One smart-aleck kid crying because an adult from the front reached back and a popped him in his smart-aleck mouth. One poor kid stuck up front with the adults (because cars had bench seats in front back then). And the inevitable fight over who was going  to sit on the hump. It was usually the smallest and youngest child in the back seat … and for a while, that was me.

I remember thinking that as much as everyone wanted to avoid the hump, it really wasn’t that bad. Yes, it was mildly uncomfortable. It was hard and awkwardly shaped, but it wasn’t horrible. With a bit of regular shifting, to keep my butt from falling asleep,  I could sit on the hump with no issues for a quite a stretch.

Looking back, I realize that I often volunteered to sit on the hump to  cut back on some of the commotion. A little bit of personal discomfort for the sake of peace. To me, it was worth it.

I brought that same mentality into my adult life, as well. Except now, the kind-of-uncomfortable but not-so-horrible hump I’ve been sitting on has been my marriage. It took me a long time to understand that. And as simple as it seems, the hardest part of being a volunteer hump sitter is recognizing the most obvious thing in the world…

…You can get up whenever you want.

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Felix in a 3D — Randomness #5

Finally Felix Bloom 3I created this blog as a very private and very personal way to get my racing thoughts out of my brain and into a space where they could exist unhindered. Over the years, I have come here to wallow in heartache, revel in love, exult in my quiet victories, and splatter the screen with all the emotion I could not express in my own 3D life.

The life I lived on these pages… the woman I was here…this Felix…was vocal throughout her journey. She wept, screamed, laughed, and poured out the contents of her heart in way I could not do. I watched her life play out on screen and I so admired her. I envied her. And I could not wait for the day when Felix could be a living, breathing part of my daily life. The face that I presented to the world — smiling, calm, always willing to bend for the comfort of others — was a mask.

How long can that last?  It’s not right. And it’s damn sure not healthy. Holding everything in one minute — the epitome of confidence — then, when no one is looking, turning to the keyboard, heart racing, mind a cyclone of emotion, fingers frantically trying to type the deluge of words. Quickly!  Before someone comes and spots the tear on my cheek, or notices the look in my eyes, so unlike what they are used to seeing on the ever-smiling  mask. Or before my poor mind gets so frustrated at this schizophrenic attempt to live in snatches of time that it just says “Eff this noise!”, pulls out a plunger, and jams Felix back into that box that she came bursting out of  years ago. But I know the outcome of that: DarknessHopelessness, Death. So I keep typing.

Someone once told me that Felix is the personification of all the bad I had done in my life. That she is the liar and cheater I used to be (and by that thinking, still am) manifested into this woman-loving, freedom-needing, freely-speaking monster. For about a split second, I believed that.

Then, Felix’s strength started seeping into my 3D life. Allowing me to say things that I dared not say years ago: I am entitled to happiness. I deserve love AND respectI will not suffer under a wall of guilt for the rest of my lifeI am capable of standing on my own.

If that’s not growth. If that’s not positive. If that’s not real and deep and true, I don’t know what is.

Posted in alter-ego, confidence, growth, healing, honesty, inner strength., LGBT, life, self acceptance, self love, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Baby dyke-ing on a Thursday night – Randomness #4

Felix flower3 Is it just me, or are women really, really beautiful?

I’ve pondered this question many times, but I don’t think most people grasp the depth of it.

Women are fucking B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!

All softness and curves and smooth skin and juicy sweetness. I would absolutely dive into and never come out if I could.

If everyone simply took a moment to pay attention, they would realize that there is nothing on this earth as beautiful as women.  And yes … love is deep and blind, and women are humans with emotions and feelings and causes that they believe in and stuff … but dammit, this post it NOT about all that.

Hell, I’m a woman; I know that there is more to us than what’s on the outside. I realize that women were not put on this earth for the selfish  sexual and aesthetic pleasure of others. Yes. Of course I get it. I’m not a cave-lesbian, after all.

But right now … right this moment … I just want to make my way home to the most beautiful pair of breasts in the world, and fall asleep between them.

And that is exactly what I’m going to do.

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