Part of coming to terms with my sexuality at this stage of my life has been the need to tell certain people what is going on with me. Namely, coming out to the people whose lives will be deeply impacted by this change.
I can’t help but wonder if I had reached this point in my 20s, before I was married and had children, if I would have felt the need to tell people. Would I have stressed and stumbled over my how, why, and who to justify my life and my love for someone else’s understanding?
I like to think I would have just lived my life and damn what anyone else thought about it. But as it stands now, there are people who need to know.
Of course my husband was the first person I told. Uttering the words “I’m pretty sure I’m gay,” to the man with whom I had spent my entire adult life was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Admitting to him that I had been unfaithful with a woman was like cutting off a piece of myself. Explaining that my attraction to women is not a reflection on his manhood, nor is it something I can simply turn off, is an ongoing conversation. It may never be resolved.
I have come to understand that I can only be accountable for myself in this. I can take full responsibility for my role in the demise of our marriage. I can do everything in my power to make this transition as smooth and painless as possible for my children. I cannot force my husband to accept or understand my need to live fully in my truth.
I realize he will hold me in contempt for a very long time. I accept that, though I hope he will not allow it to eat away at his own chance for happiness in the future.
The conversation with my closest friends has ranged from enthusiastically accepting to cool and indifferent to fascinated and very curious. Wherever they fall on that spectrum, I know that I still have their unconditional love and support. I’m very blessed in that respect.
I have drifted away from one acquaintance in this process. I revealed my news to her out of some misguided desire to share my innermost secrets. Her response was to bombard me with scripture then lay out all the reasons that I should go deeply into the closet and wait for the perfect man to come along and show me the error of my ways.
No regard of my need for love in a form that is right for me.
No consideration for my sanity or emotional well-being.
We have drifted apart and I have not reached out to her in quite some time. I wonder if she understands why?
Moving forward, I will be more discerning of who I wave my rainbow flag for. I plan to travel very lightly on the road ahead and am only packing love and acceptance. Anything else is getting tossed.