I have issues around honesty. I didn’t always know this. In my mind the difference between a lie and the truth was a gray area that could be manipulated to fit my needs. It just wasn’t a big deal to me. If it was easier to tell the truth, I told the truth. If it was easier to lie, I lied.
Usually it was easier to lie.
Until recently. Who knows why? Getting older, losing a parent, realizing that life can and does change at the drop of a hat? Maybe I can attribute it to all those things. Whatever the reason, at some point in my recent experience it got really hard to look in the mirror and see the kind of bitch who lies and sneaks around and thinks nothing if it.
Just don’t want to be her anymore.
This journey to where I need to be requires my crawling out a pretty deep pit of deceit. It’s not only filled with lies that I told others, but lies that I deceived myself with as well. Facing that is very necessary to me. Not everyone would handle things this way…but doing what was expected of me is how I ended up here in the first place. Healing is already wrought with the pain and fear of change and letting go. May as well throw this on the fire, too.