The Mirror Holder

As I have said before, open-and-honest are not my forte. It takes me months, if not years, of building up the nerve…finding the guts…growing a backbone…getting the balls — or any other dumb ass, body-related idioms you can come up with — to say what I feel.

Shit, that’s how I ended up here in the first place.

There’s always a voice in my head saying “Open your mouth, bitch! Speak up!” It’s a small voice, but, yeah…it can be nasty. It’s angry though, tired of sitting back and watching opportunities pass and dreams float away because I don’t have the gumption (sometimes the voice uses the word “gumption”) to say, “Wait! I don’t want to do this! I have another plan.”

But as nasty and meddling as that little voice can be, I still tune it out. I think most people do this, because, of course the voice means well, but seriously…shut the hell up, already! So sometimes it takes something (or someone) coming into your life to wake you up to all the self-defeating, fear-riddled, flat-out stupid shit that you do so regularly you don’t even realize it.

Ok, ’bout to get a little woo woo on you now, so bear with me. I’m in a mood…

I was introduced the idea of the mirror image a few years back when I read Living in the Light by Shakti Gawain. The concept is that every relationship in our life serves as a reflection of ourselves. They can be positive or negative, and are all meant to teach us something or help us heal aspects of our own being…

“We all attract certain people into our life who have developed qualities opposite to the ones we are most identified with. In other words, they mirror our disowned selves, and we mirror theirs. These are often the most highly emotionally charged relationships. We either love them, hate them, or both! We have drawn them into our reality to show us something about what we need to develop in ourselves. The fact that we have such strong feelings (one way or another) toward them means that they are showing us a part of ourselves we need to acknowledge, accept, and integrate.”

My mirror walked into my life about 12 months ago. She is outspoken where I am reserved…bold where I’m timid. I’m level-headed where she is excitable. I’m yielding where she is rigid. She is passionate, insightful, and brilliant, and absolutely the only person (children aside) who has ever made me want to do and be better. 

Since we’ve met, I’ve reached highs and lows that I never knew were possible. She takes me places I absolutely do not want to go…emotionally, mentally, spiritually…and forces me to look at my actions and decisions with different eyes. All this without saying a word. I know I do the same for her.

We are in a constant sway between sweet companionship and heart-rending turmoil. Wanting so badly to get the hell away from each other, but rooted, it seems, in this place…at the mercy of waves of chaos that roar in like walls of broken glass, tearing away bits of flesh and ripping air from our lungs, then gently roll away, leaving something fragile and new.

If there is a lesson in this, Mirror, let’s hurry and find it please. These waves are a bitch.

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About Felix Jay

I am Felix Jay, and I am gay as hell. Unfortunately, embracing this reality came after a 23-year relationship with a man, which included 12 years of marriage, and two children. This blog follows my journey to live my truth for the first time in my life, without devastating my family and losing my sanity in the process. Fully honest...completely authentic...and finally Felix.
This entry was posted in accepting sexuality, coming out, confidence, healing, honesty, LGBT, questioning sexuality. Bookmark the permalink.

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