Change kicking my ass…

Change is good. Sometimes it sucks, but it’s always good.


Lately, I have to keep reminding myself that I’m on this road for a reason. Not only for my own sanity but for the well-being of my whole family…because if I’m a mess, they’re going to feel it no matter how much I try to hide it. The female vibe rules the whole house…when Mommy is off her game, everyone is off their game. That’s something I’ve learned very recently. So making these really hard, really painful, really “shit, I wish I could just crawl under a rock and make this all go away” decisions are part of getting to a better place… a place where everyone has the opportunity to be their best self because no one else is screwing up the whole vibe.


Although I feel deep inside of me that I am on the right path, sometimes there is no amount of self-pep-talk that can pull me out of an “Oh my God…I’m fucking up everything for everybody!!!” mood. So when I came across this article on Huffington Post a few months ago, I bookmarked that sucker ASAP.

The article was written by Joanne Fleisher. She wrote the book, Living Two Lives, to help women who realize they are attracted to other women after years of being married to men. She also offers a wealth of resources for women who are struggling with their sexuality on her Web site Lavender Visions

Here’s an excerpt from her HuffPo article that has been especially helpful for me lately…

During the course of my transition, I made myself promises that I am still keeping after all these years — promises that have helped me face life’s upheavals with resiliency and resolve. Each new year I am reminded of these resolutions:

I choose to pay attention to all of my senses, to prevent a life of numbness. It’s hard to recognize when my feelings are dulled, but I know the signs — when I feel bored, restless or just generally dissatisfied. I was born with a whole range of emotions and sensations, and I am determined to feel them and use them all for guidance.

I will face my guilt and use it as motivation to improve myself. At the time, it did not seem possible to forgive myself for my affair, the deceit, or the unraveling of my loved ones’ lives. Finding compassion for other people was always easier. Yet I now know that when I am consumed by guilt, my authentic needs and desires are lost. So in order to love myself going forward, I must learn with compassion what was behind my behavior in order to accept it.

Before making decisions, I will face my fears. I learned that fear has a tricky way of clouding the truth and creating deceptive behaviors. During those early days, I avoided confrontation and change by lying to my husband and to myself. But by now I’ve figured out that avoidance usually creates more problems than the ones I’ve imagined.

I will honor the importance of my own happiness. Sacrificing my happiness is not the answer to making my loved ones happier. Finding my path to a joyful and peaceful life will reverberate in and enhance the lives of others. — Joanne Fleisher, “Married to a Man and In Love with a Woman,” Huffington Post

deep breath…crawl back out from under rock…okay…


About Felix Jay

I am Felix Jay, and I am gay as hell. Unfortunately, embracing this reality came after a 23-year relationship with a man, which included 12 years of marriage, and two children. This blog follows my journey to live my truth for the first time in my life, without devastating my family and losing my sanity in the process. Fully honest...completely authentic...and finally Felix.
This entry was posted in accepting sexuality, confidence, healing, honesty, lesbian love, Lesbian married to man, LGBT, resources. Bookmark the permalink.

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