I am a queer woman of color

The title of this post says sooooo much. And seeing as this is the first time that I’ve actually typed those words, it means so much, too…(giddy, hand-over-mouth-bouncing-in-chair squeeing…)

Coming into my own as woman who loves women has opened up a whole new world. Embracing these feelings has been terrifying and exciting and maddening in a completely breathtaking way….like I’ve been suddenly jolted awake by 1000 volts of electricity. But as I began to take my first tentative steps into this life two years ago, one question stood out…where where the other women of color?

Accepting my sexuality doesn’t allow me to ignore the fact that I am a black woman, it was important to me to find other women of color who were in similar situations. I wasn’t looking for dating sites, mind you…but I needed the support of a community that could relate to my experience as a whole.

I found one such place at Black Lesbian Friends 40+ (or just BLF for the initiated). The brainchild of the ingenious and innovative Skye, this cozy community was created for women ages 40 and up, to connect with others for “friendship, mutual interest, conversation, travel or to just hang out.”

The reason I gravitated toward a community of older women was because I was looking for the kind of advice that only comes from living. My first post went like this:

I posed this issue to another lesbian community and got some really good advice, but I wasn’t able to connect with anyone in a similar situation. I’m hoping that, since this is a community with only women 40 and up, I may find a few mature kindred sisters who have actually gone through this experience. 

So…big, nervous breath…here goes:

I’m a woman who has come to realize that I love women a bit late in the game. Actually, I guess accept would be a better word to use, since I think I’ve known in my mind for a while.

I’m married to a great man, whom I’ve been in a relationship with for 20 years. We have 2  children and, by all accounts, things should be fine. Except, I love women. I think he knows something is wrong, but probably just thinks I’m starting to go through the change :-). But now that I’ve accepted my feelings (a process that itself was an emotional roller coaster!), I know that it’s not fair to him or me to continue living a lie. I can’t love him like he should be loved and he can’t give me what I need. But beyond that realization, I’m frozen. My entire life, family, everything will be turned upside down and I’m not sure where to go from here.

So there it is. Any words of wisdom, ladies?

The response I got was AMAZING… 

Not only did I find a level of support and understanding that I wasn’t expecting, but I also received a  huge, squishy hug that let me know that  I was absolutely NOT the first black woman to embrace her sexuality at a later stage…post marriage and children. The life that I’ve lived to this point doesn’t negate where I am now. If anything, I’m more aware of who I am and what I want than ever. It’s never too late to be. The steps I’m taking may not be for everyone, but they must be taken.

Thank you again, BLF.

In my next post, I’ll highlight another amazing site that celebrates “all things, queer, culture and current“… one that is growing by leaps and bounds in 2013. (For a hint, check out the banner on the right…)


About Felix Jay

I am Felix Jay, and I am gay as hell. Unfortunately, embracing this reality came after a 23-year relationship with a man, which included 12 years of marriage, and two children. This blog follows my journey to live my truth for the first time in my life, without devastating my family and losing my sanity in the process. Fully honest...completely authentic...and finally Felix.
This entry was posted in accepting sexuality, coming out, confidence, healing, honesty, lesbian love, Lesbian married to man, LGBT, resources, transition. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to I am a queer woman of color

  1. Tig Smith says:

    Wow, am I glad I continued to read your post because this one in particular gave me something I have been searching for, for sometime now. BLF…I signed up and I hope to be accepted. I have been wanting to find such a connection for a few years now but more now since I begin this international assignment. Even though you were not trying you gave me something I need…thanks for the unexpected 'Blessing'…Also love the post and the young lady you reference in your post 'Right On Time' is how I found you…she provided me my connection to you…she is an incredible young lady…:c)


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