Right On Time

I’m sitting here at my desk waiting for my coffee to kick in…which means I’m half asleep…which means I’m not in work mode yet…plus, I’m in a bit of a contemplative mood. So when I checked my email and found this new post on Liberation Theory, it got me thinking. In it, Aleia reflects on the process of returning to your true self…

“I’m learning that it can be…hard to return to your truest self if you never practiced being her.”

It’s strange to think that at my age, I may not yet know who I truly am. When I was in my 20s, I remember watching older women in their 40s and even 50s do very foolish things—make poor decisions about men, do silly things with finances, say flat out dumb shit on a regular basis—and I would always think: Aren’t you supposed to have it all together at that age? Aren’t you supposed to be wiser and stronger and able to make good decisions? Lord, please don’t let that be me at that age!!!

And now, here I am, in my early 40s, finding that I still make questionable choices and say utterly dumb shit on a semi-regular basis. Granted, I’m not the crazy old lady cursing out anyone who looks at me sideways, but I’m not perfect. I question who I am. I make mistakes. Shouldn’t I be done with this? Shouldn’t I have had it all figured out 15 years ago?


Fifteen years ago I didn’t have my son. My mom was still alive. I was an unmarried mother of one. I was living in a different city. Working in a different field. So much has happened since then (good, bad, ugly, and in between) and I’m a different woman in SO many ways.

The choices I made (again.. good, bad and ugly) are what got me to this place. And now is when I’m able to recognize what in me that needs to change. Not 15 or 20 years ago…NOW…when I can look back with some wisdom and see what I was was doing wrong and why it needs to stop. Not because someone told me or because I heard it on Oprah or read it in a magazine, but because I can recognize it for myself and dammit…it’s time. Or as Aleia put it…

“I know it’s my truest self that I am aspiring to be because it’s the Self that’s revealed to me when I examine my heart of hearts. It’s the Self that God and the Universe is conspiring to reflect back to me in the opportunities and people who have come into my life. It’s the Self that I’m proud of and feel safe and secure being. Still, this evolution (or maybe “unraveling” is more accurate) is hard stuff, and life won’t let me call time-out anymore.”

Perfect and true.

Now I’m ready to get to work.


About Felix Jay

I am Felix Jay, and I am gay as hell. Unfortunately, embracing this reality came after a 23-year relationship with a man, which included 12 years of marriage, and two children. This blog follows my journey to live my truth for the first time in my life, without devastating my family and losing my sanity in the process. Fully honest...completely authentic...and finally Felix.
This entry was posted in accepting sexuality, coming out, confidence, healing, honesty, lesbian love, Lesbian married to man, LGBT, questioning sexuality. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Right On Time

  1. First off, I'm so honored that my words resonated with you. Secondly, I'm sorry that I've been so consumed with my “stuff,” that I've neglected to read and comment until now. Third off, DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR PAST OR YOUR POSITION NOW. Your journey is uniquely yours and your path are just chapters for us to learn from, not lament. I commend you for being conscious of your journey right now. So many people die never having done so. So smile, face the sun, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.


  2. Felix J says:

    Lovely words to complement the beautiful weather 🙂 Learning to embrace everything I was and am is a task that I'm getting better at day by day. Also one that I never knew I needed to learn until recently… age and wisdom, I suppose 😉

    Thank you for stopping through, lady. And no need to be sorry for being consumed with “stuff”…”stuff” seems to be everyone's middle name lately.


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