I’m sitting here at my desk waiting for my coffee to kick in…which means I’m half asleep…which means I’m not in work mode yet…plus, I’m in a bit of a contemplative mood. So when I checked my email and found this new post on Liberation Theory, it got me thinking. In it, Aleia reflects on the process of returning to your true self…
“I’m learning that it can be…hard to return to your truest self if you never practiced being her.”
It’s strange to think that at my age, I may not yet know who I truly am. When I was in my 20s, I remember watching older women in their 40s and even 50s do very foolish things—make poor decisions about men, do silly things with finances, say flat out dumb shit on a regular basis—and I would always think: Aren’t you supposed to have it all together at that age? Aren’t you supposed to be wiser and stronger and able to make good decisions? Lord, please don’t let that be me at that age!!!
And now, here I am, in my early 40s, finding that I still make questionable choices and say utterly dumb shit on a semi-regular basis. Granted, I’m not the crazy old lady cursing out anyone who looks at me sideways, but I’m not perfect. I question who I am. I make mistakes. Shouldn’t I be done with this? Shouldn’t I have had it all figured out 15 years ago?
Fifteen years ago I didn’t have my son. My mom was still alive. I was an unmarried mother of one. I was living in a different city. Working in a different field. So much has happened since then (good, bad, ugly, and in between) and I’m a different woman in SO many ways.
The choices I made (again.. good, bad and ugly) are what got me to this place. And now is when I’m able to recognize what in me that needs to change. Not 15 or 20 years ago…NOW…when I can look back with some wisdom and see what I was was doing wrong and why it needs to stop. Not because someone told me or because I heard it on Oprah or read it in a magazine, but because I can recognize it for myself and dammit…it’s time. Or as Aleia put it…
“I know it’s my truest self that I am aspiring to be because it’s the Self that’s revealed to me when I examine my heart of hearts. It’s the Self that God and the Universe is conspiring to reflect back to me in the opportunities and people who have come into my life. It’s the Self that I’m proud of and feel safe and secure being. Still, this evolution (or maybe “unraveling” is more accurate) is hard stuff, and life won’t let me call time-out anymore.”
Perfect and true.
Now I’m ready to get to work.