Trusting and Moving

Life has not been sweet to me lately.

I’m getting poked, pinched and prodded from all directions, and sometimes it’s easier to curl up in a little ball to escape the onslaught instead facing the problem. So while I’ve been busy getting my curl on, I’ve neglected a few things, this blog being one of them.

It’s all fear. I know it’s fear…trust me, it’s an old companion of mine, I’d recognize it anywhere. I’m fully open to feeling fear, even welcoming it, because it lets me know I’m alive. But I’m not open to letting it turn me away from the path that I know I must take.

When I look toward my future I feel lightness, and calm, and pure joy in my chest. That lets me know that I’m going in the right direction. Things will work out in some way for everyone…even the person who hates me most right now because I’m shattering his image of who he thought I was and what he thought we were.

The urge to move forward is steadfast and unwavering; despite the fact that when I think about what I need to do in order to get to that place of lightness and joy the unmistakable symptoms of pure fear (gut-wrenching heaviness and darkness) never hesitate to slither in and snatch my breath away.

I need to keep moving.

There is absolutely no other option. I can trust in what I know to be true and live the life I want or give into the fear and die in one I don’t.

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About Felix Jay

I am Felix Jay, and I am gay as hell. Unfortunately, embracing this reality came after a 23-year relationship with a man, which included 12 years of marriage, and two children. This blog follows my journey to live my truth for the first time in my life, without devastating my family and losing my sanity in the process. Fully honest...completely authentic...and finally Felix.
This entry was posted in accepting sexuality, coming out, confidence, healing, honesty, Lesbian married to man. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Trusting and Moving

  1. One of my favorite quotes is “feel the fear and do it anyway.” The beauty of this journey is that you only have to take ONE step at a time. Don't let your mind get the best of you and convince you that you have to have it all figured it out. You don't. Work on faith and if that's too daunting, work on knowing that exactly God created you to be is the person worth living for.

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  2. Come back to the five and dime, Jimmy Dean! Lol. Seriously tho. I miss you 😦 Talk. I care. I'm listening. Hope you are well. Hugz xo

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  3. Felix J says:

    Getting back into the swing, t.dot 🙂 will be doing lots of catching on my favorite blogs this weekend, yours very much included.

    aleia, as always you hit it on the head, embracing the fear is much more manageable if I don't look too far down the road. “One Step at a Time”…I need to put that on a pillow and sleep on it every night so it sinks in 🙂

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