Giving In

This weekend I was supposed to do something empowering and freeing.

I had planned on attending a weekend of workshops for late-blooming lesbians who were married to men. It’s a yearly event. I wasn’t able to go last year, but this year, I was going to be there…no matter what.

I didn’t go.

Instead I met with a group of college girlfriends, more than girlfriends really…my sisters in a sense. It was a gathering that was long overdue. It had been years since we’d all been together in one place, so it was a Saturday well spent.


I wasn’t supposed to be there.

I was supposed to be with a different group of other women. Women going through the same thing I am. Women who needed to purge their hearts and feel the rare comfort of being among sisters in another sense.

My reason for not attending the workshops wasn’t because of the conflict that arose with my college friends. I had planned a while back, when I learned that both the dinner and the workshops fell on the same weekend, that I would postpone the dinner with my girls to get the help I felt I needed.

I didn’t go because it would have cause even more turmoil at home. In a relationship that is already dead in the water, so to speak, that may seem silly. At this point, who cares about more turmoil…live your life, honey!

But I do still care. I care about keeping the peace and finding a calm way to maintain some semblance of decorum as my husband and I move toward the point of no return. We both already know where we’re headed. There’s no need to throw even more coal on an already out of control fire. I meet with a divorce lawyer tomorrow. My time for living freely is soon.

So despite my disappointment at not going to the workshops— on missing out on something that would have probably been incredibly freeing AND for not being that woman to middle finger everything and do whatever the hell I want— I had an amazing time reconnecting with my girlfriends. I missed them and was more than happy to spend an evening with my amazing, intelligent, and incredibly smart sisters. They don’t know about my drama yet. When they find out I have no doubt they’ll be as supportive and loving as they always have been. So no…the weekend wasn’t a bust by any means. Far from it.

And there’s always next year.

Still moving ahead.


About Felix Jay

I am Felix Jay, and I am gay as hell. Unfortunately, embracing this reality came after a 23-year relationship with a man, which included 12 years of marriage, and two children. This blog follows my journey to live my truth for the first time in my life, without devastating my family and losing my sanity in the process. Fully honest...completely authentic...and finally Felix.
This entry was posted in accepting sexuality, coming out, confidence, honesty, Lesbian married to man, LGBT, resources. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Giving In

  1. Tracey Smith says:

    Hello Felix,

    Ok this is my third time trying to post a message to you…:c)! Usually, I would have given up after two failed attempt to post but, I am determine to let you know how much I enjoyed what you have shared in your blog. I found you through a post place by a friend who reposted your piece “Barefoot in the Grass”, which is a very profound piece. I truly enjoyed it. I then saw your URL and found your page to read more enlightenng and touching post. I really enjoyed your piece on 'Giving In', I found it to be an eye opener for those of us who have not walk the path in which you walk today. I do not share the same exact travels of your journey in which you have embarked upon because I realized my sexuality as a very young child. I did not embrace and accept my 'Truth' until my early twenties, but once I did…I accepted there would be fall out in my life but I had no intents of living in a life which did not feel comfortable or fit the person I am… I am now in my 40's and enjoying every day and have no regrets! I have loved and lost but would not change the path I took because this path is 'The Vision of Me'. I applaud you for taking the steps to leave your 'comfort' and step outside to live your 'Truth'. Will there be fallout you betcha but this is ok, because those 'fallouts' were going happen eventually anyway…so be a duck and shake the water off your tail and keep flourishing and flying. Will this be easy well I can not answer this for you, but as you know anything worth having hardly ever come easy but once you have it…easy quickly turn into enjoyable and relaxing. I hope my words find you in the sweetest of spirits and provide you with some strenght and support. I don't know if or path will ever cross but if they were too it would be honor to meet such a empowering young lady.



  2. Felix J says:

    Hi Tracey,
    I have to apologize for your comments not coming through. I'm not sure what's going on with Blogger, but you're actually the second person to tell me that comments are not posting or even being accepted for moderation. Usually I get a hit in my email letting me know that there are comments, but lately, nothing. I'll have to check into it asap..

    With that said… I'm SOOOO happy you were finally able to get through. I'm thrilled to know you were touched by my posts, and, more importantly, I can't tell you how much it helps me to know that there is so much support for this journey out there. When it feels like I should just cave in and crawl back on the “path” comments like yours let me know that it's DEFINITELY worth the struggle AND help me get even more into my “duck” mindset 🙂
    Thank you for that…
    Warmest Regards


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