Tripping Through the Pain Dance

I can see it happening in front of me like a movie. I’m watching it from a distance but am helpless to stop it.

I’m anxious, restless, stressed…feeling uncomfortable in and about a situation that I should have dealt with a long, looong time ago.  But instead of embracing the discomfort, pulling up my big girl panties and dealing with it, I deflect it. Avoid it. Dance away from it in any way I can. Call her up. Drop him a line. Maybe they will be available for lunch maybe, or dinner, or whatever…then what…that next thing I know I’m in the throes of a full-blown affair…not fair to her…not fair to him… and the only one who gets any relief is me…until it’s not a relief anymore— because now everyone is all up in their feelings.

Thought it was love. Thought this was IT. You’re sooo fucking selfish, Felix. You’re a user. You toy with people’s emotions. You use your sexuality as a shield to avoid your own issues.

And in the meantime, I’ve hurt the person who, despite our differences, would never hurt me in that way. So what now?

This time is different, right?  I’ve pushed it further than I ever have before. Made it to the point where I’m so ready to make that change, I can taste it. And here comes the pain. Instantly, I’m typing up emails to see who wants to get together this weekend. I’m making plans for dinner, buying tickets to a little show… so I can be gone from the presence of him when he’s finally ready to hear me to say it’s over and there’s no going back this time. We’ve already reached the point of no return. Why am I still running?

The situations I create in my mind, through worry and anticipation, are never as bad as I think they will be once I dive in. It’s like giving birth. I try dull the pain, but once I embrace it—just let it flow through every cell of my body—even that bone-quaking pain will begin to do its job. And at the end maybe I’ll have something beautiful.

Lord, please give me the strength to hold on through the pain this time. Direct me in words and intentions to act in Truth and Compassion, no matter how bad it gets. And guide me in Love and Confidence through the valleys of fear with the knowledge that You always provide for the Highest Good in all things.
Amen.

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About Felix Jay

I am Felix Jay, and I am gay as hell. Unfortunately, embracing this reality came after a 23-year relationship with a man, which included 12 years of marriage, and two children. This blog follows my journey to live my truth for the first time in my life, without devastating my family and losing my sanity in the process. Fully honest...completely authentic...and finally Felix.
This entry was posted in accepting sexuality, coming out, depression, healing. Bookmark the permalink.

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