Figuring it out on my own…

There is really no one that I can talk to about this shit.

I love my friends and although I seek their opinions on some things, I don’t look to them for advice when it comes to my personal life. I’ve never done that with anyone; and that is by choice. I tend to get agitated when too many different opinions are thrown at me, and as a result I shut down. I am truly a loner at heart. And thankfully, I’m getting to the point where I really don’t give a fuck about what anyone else thinks anyway.

I’m starting to picture my life alone in my mom’s house, making improvements, expanding some of the rooms, clearing away a bit of her land and creating a garden sanctuary just for me.

I will have my closest friends, my children (and prayerfully grandchildren at some point), my beloved extended family,  and if I’m lucky, many, many well-chosen, down-to-earth, very compatible, but not too clingy lovers (because that, I’ve learned, is also who I am). 

But ultimately, I will be on my own…and I’m good with that. I’m excited about it! My mom had the right idea.

I’ve grown more in the past 3 years than I ever thought possible. I’ve realized a lot of things about myself that aren’t so great…things that I need to work on. And no, it hasn’t been easy looking at myself with true eyes for the first time in my life. But it’s been so necessary. It’s helped me get a better picture of who I am and what I want from this life. 

I know what I want now more than ever, and that is a HUGE breakthrough for me.


About Felix Jay

I am Felix Jay, and I am gay as hell. Unfortunately, embracing this reality came after a 23-year relationship with a man, which included 12 years of marriage, and two children. This blog follows my journey to live my truth for the first time in my life, without devastating my family and losing my sanity in the process. Fully honest...completely authentic...and finally Felix.
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