Standing in real truth

FB_IMG_1465998514914…this is a simple, clean way of looking at it. I’m definitely more me now than I ever was when I was struggling to fit into a space that wasn’t mine.

And now, finally able to reach out from the darkness of my tunnel and feel sunlight on my fingertips, I’m savoring every inch of these last few steps. Soon my forearms will taste the warmth. Shoulders and neck. Face peeking out, eyes blinking from the brightness. Warmth seeping into my chest and caressing my legs. Finally arms outspread. Breathing air into free and happy lungs.

I’m SO ready for this.

I started this journey five years ago. Five years ago, almost to the day, I told my husband I was questioning my sexuality. The next year, I kissed a woman for the first time. She helped me realize that my yearnings were not simply a phase or a fantasy, but a deep and meaningful part of who I was.

I don’t love women because I’m sexually adventurous or searching for something I can’t find in a man (all reasons I’ve heard before for explaining my gay ass, btw). I love women because there is something in the spirit of a woman that connects with me in a profound and meaningful way that transcends friendship or camaraderie. That depth of emotion is not something I’ve ever been able to feel with a man; and for a long time I didn’t believe that it actually existed. It extends through my body, mind and soul and sparks passionate fire into everything I do. I truly feel present and alive and at peace for the first time in my life.

It’s LOVE, simple and clean. I can’t explain it any better than, that.


About Felix Jay

I am Felix Jay, and I am gay as hell. Unfortunately, embracing this reality came after a 23-year relationship with a man, which included 12 years of marriage, and two children. This blog follows my journey to live my truth for the first time in my life, without devastating my family and losing my sanity in the process. Fully honest...completely authentic...and finally Felix.
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