Goodbye 2016. Go kick rocks.

finally-felix_mourning-flowersSo much has happened this year. Politically and socially,the world is a much different place than it was a year ago. Many people have transitioned out of this world…famous people, not-so-famous, but very well-loved people as well. Most recently, my mother-in-law passed away. It was difficult watching my kids lose their only living  grandmother. She helped us raise them, and I know they are heartbroken.

It was also strange seeing their father (my soon to be ex-husband) broken and helpless as he watched his mother die. I offered him words of comfort and understanding, and I supported his family in the ways I could, but that’s all. There has been a deeper shift with us. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. His anger has mostly gelled over. I think he is as ready to get to other side of this as I am. A few weeks before his mom got sick, I told him that I was undoubtedly gay as hell and probably liked ass and titties more than he did. I think he doesn’t really believe me. Oh well. Not up to me to prove anything.

About 9 years ago, I was in a very creative space. I wrote a book, I got it published, I was doing well with marketing and promotion, but something wasn’t right. Here  I was selling a book about confidence and self-empowerment, and yet I didn’t even know who I was. I was hiding, even from myself. That space was amazing and confusing at the same time. Eye opening. I guess that’s when all the questions really began. If I’d only known then what I know now… le sigh.. 20/20 hindsight and all that jazz.

Today, I’m more sure of who I am, and one thing I’m certain of is that I don’t want to hide anymore. There are people who genuinely love me. And they will continue to love me when I am being authentic and true. I clearly see who is worth my time, my trust, my love, my honesty. Everyone else can go kick rocks.

I promise myself that 2017 will not be spent in hiding. I promise myself that I won’t stifle my love, my soul, my voice, my laughter, or my needs in order to make others comfortable anymore. I’m not getting any younger, and frankly, holding up this facade is exhausting my old ass.

Letting go feels really amazing and terrifying. But I’m so here for it.

And to the person who is visiting my blog and then calling me from a restricted or blocked number, refusing to speak. Stop it. I know who you are. If you want to talk, let’s talk. If not… let it go.


About Felix Jay

I am Felix Jay, and I am gay as hell. Unfortunately, embracing this reality came after a 23-year relationship with a man, which included 12 years of marriage, and two children. This blog follows my journey to live my truth for the first time in my life, without devastating my family and losing my sanity in the process. Fully honest...completely authentic...and finally Felix.
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2 Responses to Goodbye 2016. Go kick rocks.

  1. This is so my story for 2016 as well. Well not the part about kids as we have no kids but being married to a man for five years but together nine years. I woke up one morning and had such an awakening after struggling for years with questioning my sexuality and being attracted to women my entire life. I finally was honest with myself about being a lesbian and being in love with an amazing woman. I am an author as well who wrote a book about empowerment and self-worth and in reality had no clue who I was. This was my life as well. Thanks so much for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Felix Jay says:

    Thank you so much for visiting and for sharing. Understanding how many women have been in this space and made it through to the other is vital lifeblood. Blessings to you for claiming your authentic life, love and truth.


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