The space of newness — Randomness #6

finally felix_bubblesSomeplace between the din of chaos and the silence of loneliness, I stand in a bubble of stark self-awareness.

It’s delicate and freshly blown — a little something I put together to shield myself from the waves that crest slowly in the distance, dark undulating walls that barrel toward me like a locomotive. They’re studded with the flotsam of my old life: the broken shell of guilt I called home for so long, the sharp judgments I cowered from … glistening blades of regret … jagged points of shame. And now the questions also bubble to the surface … because who doesn’t want to know more about the woman who left a seemingly good man to live alone in her own gay ass truth?

The upsurge rushes forward, looms over me like a monster and breaks hard. A crash fills the air, peppered with the awful tinkle of a million shards of broken glass. My little bubble quakes under the impact, but holds firm.

I’m still here.

Still standing.

Becoming surer every day.

I’ve fortified these transparent walls with things that cushion the onslaught. Soft, velvety things that catch me when the waves try to knock me off my feet — the love of my children, the support of beloved friends, my mother’s lasting example of strength and resilience, the power of true love, and even my own muscles, still sore from the stress of this journey … but sore in a good way.

There’s not a day that goes by that I’m not learning something new. Discovering who I am and introducing a bit more of that woman to the world. Finding out what it means to love myself and also what it means to give authentic love to others. And realizing, after 46 years, that being in love is more than fullness and joy. It’s work, nurturing and co-operation. It’s also understanding that the dysfunction I claimed as love in the past was just that. Now I can have more. I want more. I deserve more.

The waves will calm after a while. And for now they’ll slam into my bubble and simply bounce away.

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About Felix Jay

I am Felix Jay, and I am gay as hell. Unfortunately, embracing this reality came after a 23-year relationship with a man, which included 12 years of marriage, and two children. This blog follows my journey to live my truth for the first time in my life, without devastating my family and losing my sanity in the process. Fully honest...completely authentic...and finally Felix.
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6 Responses to The space of newness — Randomness #6

  1. supadupaq says:

    Your journey to self-awareness and self-love is a great one!!! this is a beautiful piece.

    Like

  2. Benir Pierre says:

    I’m always in awe of your words. This leaves me breathless. So proud of your journey of self-discovery and truth. You inspire me beyond words.

    Like

  3. nancy says:

    Beautiful and so expertly expressed – I can feel it all. Thank you for sharing your gift.

    Like

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