These first tentative years of being gay as hell have come with a mixed bag of emotions and experiences for me. As I have moved into a space of acceptance and comfort in who I am, so much has changed.
Physically, I certainly don’t look like the same woman who stared at herself in the mirror 5 years ago, dumbstruck at the realization that she was indeed having romantic feelings about another woman. My straight, shoulder length hair is gone — replaced by a close-cropped natural cut and carefree curls that do whatever the hell they want.
My clothing has morphed from decidedly modest skirts and feminine pumps to skinny pants, layered, oversized tops, Chucks, loafers and even combat boots. A style statement that says that I can be professional, comfortable and damn sexy at the same time. I feel good in my own skin…and for the first time in my life, I don’t care what anyone thinks about how I look.
Mentally, I’m more confident in who I am and the decisions I’m making every day. My life is mine.. finally. Many people won’t understand what that means. Clearly no one was holding me hostage or forcing me to live this married-with-children life against my will. But societal expectation, compounded by guilt, and weighed down by shame and fear is a heavy, heavy load. I am not proud of how long it has taken me to crawl from underneath that weight and stand in my own truth. But now that I’m here, I can’t go back.
I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I had embraced who I was at a younger age. Oh clearly, there were signs that I was gay as hell, even as a teenager. I’ve always thought women were beautiful … appreciated this one’s smile, admired that one’s curves, ran my eyes slowly up another one’s legs. But if I sometimes found myself fantasizing about breasts as I drifted to sleep or wondering what it would be like to kiss feminine lips — slowly and deeply like I kissed my boyfriend’s — I quickly brushed it aside. My thinking was that all girls must have those thoughts about other girls. Funny that even as I assumed those feelings were shared by all girls, I never brought them up to my girlfriends. We just didn’t talk about stuff like that back then.
The bottom line was this: I was supposed to have boyfriends and get married and have babies and live happily ever after…because that’s what I was supposed to do. So that’s what I did.
And now, here I am. Adjusting the collar of this new suit. Letting my skin get accustomed to the fabric. Stretching it out in just the right places. And everyday, loving the way it feels more and more.